May 31, 2010
Dream (May 31)
I was at an amusmant park, and there was a hockey rink over a baseball field, and a roller coaster above that. Then I was shopping for a birthday gift for the girl I nanny. I was looking at Barbie Dolls (definitely not something I'd regularly do). There were a bunch of the same dolls I had as a child. And there was a mother there who I spoke with about how I'd had that same doll. I remember saying "Wow, they still make these?" I then went out downtown, it reminded me of home but I'm not sure which city I was in. A young guy with strawberyy blonde hair approached me. I didn't know him but he basically hit on me and said he'd want my number but he was stripper. I was flattered and took an instant liking to him, but was confused because he looked like Awkward Boner Boy from school (story in a later post) and I was confused about the stripper part. Actually I'm still confused about it now that I'm awake...
May 30, 2010
Memorial Day Weekend
When you're watching three little boys who are one and a half, four, and five and a half for a long weekend make sure you:
a) know how to give a time out
b) can listen to hours of crying, whining, and yelling
c) always pack food if you leave the house
d) give each child the exact same amount as the other of ANYTHING
e) have them use the bathroom before you leave to go somewhere
f) start the process of bedtime a half hour to hour before
g) keep treats out of sight
h) don't get scratched dvds from the library
i) always have a sippy cup on hand
j) have Earl Grey tea, advil, and your anxiety medication
k) keep the annoying dog outside
a) know how to give a time out
b) can listen to hours of crying, whining, and yelling
c) always pack food if you leave the house
d) give each child the exact same amount as the other of ANYTHING
e) have them use the bathroom before you leave to go somewhere
f) start the process of bedtime a half hour to hour before
g) keep treats out of sight
h) don't get scratched dvds from the library
i) always have a sippy cup on hand
j) have Earl Grey tea, advil, and your anxiety medication
k) keep the annoying dog outside
May 28, 2010
Dreams (May 28)
So last night and this morning I had a very weird assortment of dreams. I kept waking up and then falling back asleep so I many different dreams instead of one long one. I don't really remember the order they were in...
I woke up at 1AM and wasn't sure if I'd slept through a whole day somehow. It bothered me, but not too much. I was more upset about not knowing if I'd wasted a day or not. I woke up and was well rested and started to work on things. Somehow it then went to me getting a book from David along with a letter. The letter began as a love letter but turned out not to be but just a heartfelt letter as a friend. At which I was flattered and relieved. The book had writing on it too, it was a gift, though not for a birthday or Christmas. The book was a book on or about C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. There was a symmetrical castle/place on the front that was somewhat science fiction like.
I think I recieved the book and letter while at a high school, which I thought was one of the other town's schools because my friends from church were there. But then I found out it was the rival high school of my old high school. They told me that something like the SATs were going on. I was confused about what day it was, and asked to find out it was Saturday, not Friday. I confirmed my thought that I had slept through an entire day. Then a girl from high school, Kelly, walked by and put some books in a locker. I asked her what she was doing in high school when she was in college? She was taking a class at the high school or something like that.
Later I had another dream. In this one I was in a balloon basket but it was sort of a helicopter too. My best friend Becca was to my left. Somehow I was controlling the balloon by my movements. Sort of like a segway, I guess, though I've never been on one. I wanted to see the entire city, but couldn't get high enough without sort of worrying about being too high. Each time I'd start back down fast enough to make my stomach feel like I was on a rollercoaster.
I then had another where I was in a hall of some sort and went into an auditorium that was empty and in the process of being renovated or built. There was some discussion over whether or not Dumbledoor had Harry Potter commited to a mental institution. Yep that's right. Don't ask. I'm not even sure.
I woke up at 1AM and wasn't sure if I'd slept through a whole day somehow. It bothered me, but not too much. I was more upset about not knowing if I'd wasted a day or not. I woke up and was well rested and started to work on things. Somehow it then went to me getting a book from David along with a letter. The letter began as a love letter but turned out not to be but just a heartfelt letter as a friend. At which I was flattered and relieved. The book had writing on it too, it was a gift, though not for a birthday or Christmas. The book was a book on or about C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. There was a symmetrical castle/place on the front that was somewhat science fiction like.
I think I recieved the book and letter while at a high school, which I thought was one of the other town's schools because my friends from church were there. But then I found out it was the rival high school of my old high school. They told me that something like the SATs were going on. I was confused about what day it was, and asked to find out it was Saturday, not Friday. I confirmed my thought that I had slept through an entire day. Then a girl from high school, Kelly, walked by and put some books in a locker. I asked her what she was doing in high school when she was in college? She was taking a class at the high school or something like that.
Later I had another dream. In this one I was in a balloon basket but it was sort of a helicopter too. My best friend Becca was to my left. Somehow I was controlling the balloon by my movements. Sort of like a segway, I guess, though I've never been on one. I wanted to see the entire city, but couldn't get high enough without sort of worrying about being too high. Each time I'd start back down fast enough to make my stomach feel like I was on a rollercoaster.
I then had another where I was in a hall of some sort and went into an auditorium that was empty and in the process of being renovated or built. There was some discussion over whether or not Dumbledoor had Harry Potter commited to a mental institution. Yep that's right. Don't ask. I'm not even sure.
May 27, 2010
The Beginning & The End
We are each born into this world. We all have the same beginning. And we each leave this world in the same way. Our ends have different causes, but they always involve the stop of our heartbeats, the end of our breathing, and the end of our thoughts. It's funny to think that these two bits that we use to define our existence are essentially the same for all of us, yet the things that happen in between are substantially different.
May 25, 2010
Tuesday, May 25th
I'm thinking of retitling this post, something related to the Nanny Diaries seems entirely appropriate. Yes, as a summer job I am a nanny. I'm a nanny to one child: a six year old little girl who was adopted. Oh, and the family lives in one of the richest areas in our state. Stereotypical, right?
Yesterday while walking the dog, the little girl gets invited by the neighbor's daughter to play. So we go over for a few and she plays with the boys from across the way and the neighbor's daughter. The neighbor is a very nice woman, probably late or mid thirties, very down to earth. She wears nice moderately unmomlike T-shirts... but she wears capri pants that stop right at her ankle, so it almost looks like she outgrew her jeans. Not too bad, right? Wrong. She bends over to pick something up in the yard yesterday, and BAM! I get a full view of her black thong. Excuse me? Why are you wearing a thong? Or a thong with jeans? Or a thong at 38? Or a black thong? Or how about why aren't you wearing a belt!? Sorry, no judgement, just not what I expected...nor what I think should be seen. I hope that view is only seen around the house and not anywhere else.
Today. The car started shaking. That's right, literally shaking, like the old car rides at the amusement park. We're 10 minutes away from the house heading back from gymnastics which is an amazing and unnecessary 30 minutes away. The dog is also in the car. It happens to be about ninety degrees out. Her mother will be home in 45 minutes. I still haven't had her do her home work or practice music. I'll now skip the part about having a hot, hungry, tired, whiny child in the back seat as we follow the mechanic's car at a crawl down back roads to the shop and jump to the part where we get home and the dog pees on the carpet the minute we walk in. Oh, and how there was not a single paper towel in the house and the carpet cleaner couldn't be found. Awesome.
Yesterday while walking the dog, the little girl gets invited by the neighbor's daughter to play. So we go over for a few and she plays with the boys from across the way and the neighbor's daughter. The neighbor is a very nice woman, probably late or mid thirties, very down to earth. She wears nice moderately unmomlike T-shirts... but she wears capri pants that stop right at her ankle, so it almost looks like she outgrew her jeans. Not too bad, right? Wrong. She bends over to pick something up in the yard yesterday, and BAM! I get a full view of her black thong. Excuse me? Why are you wearing a thong? Or a thong with jeans? Or a thong at 38? Or a black thong? Or how about why aren't you wearing a belt!? Sorry, no judgement, just not what I expected...nor what I think should be seen. I hope that view is only seen around the house and not anywhere else.
Today. The car started shaking. That's right, literally shaking, like the old car rides at the amusement park. We're 10 minutes away from the house heading back from gymnastics which is an amazing and unnecessary 30 minutes away. The dog is also in the car. It happens to be about ninety degrees out. Her mother will be home in 45 minutes. I still haven't had her do her home work or practice music. I'll now skip the part about having a hot, hungry, tired, whiny child in the back seat as we follow the mechanic's car at a crawl down back roads to the shop and jump to the part where we get home and the dog pees on the carpet the minute we walk in. Oh, and how there was not a single paper towel in the house and the carpet cleaner couldn't be found. Awesome.
May 13, 2010
Boys
Boys. Need I say more?
A week after Adam broke up with me, a guy on my hall decided to ask me out. Oh, and he knew about Adam, because we had just been discussing my bad dreams that were preventing me from sleeping. Seriously? How low can you go? A week is not enough time to recover from a year and half relationship.
A month later a really awkward boy from karate asked me if I wanted to go out with him that weekend. Isn't it bad enough that I see him in a somewhat see through white gi three times a week and spar with him? And he hardly ever says a word out loud. Great. A potential serial killer...It reminds me of the time the 5th year senior in high school leaned up against my locker (in his trench coat, duck taped glasses, and greasy, unwashed hair) and said "Ummm...uhhhh...I really dig you...do I stand a chance?"
This Valentine's day I get an anonymous card. Okay, I can handle that, because I think it's possible that it's from this guy I like (who also lives on my hall...but is NOT the one mentioned above). So I ask him about it and right as he answers his roommate walks in and sprawls unto the table with his handheld gameboy. Awesome.
So we talked later and set up a date for that weekend. Saturday comes and he's hired a cab to take us out to eat. (Let me just say I am flattered now that he went this far.) But given the way things turn out in my life, the cab gets lost, overcharges him, and the restaurant loses his reservations. Pretty spectacular, eh? Oh it gets better...So the cab to get back comes and we get in. The guy drives around the building and then turn onto a one way street going the wrong way! Turns out the guy has only been a driver 2 day and speaks hardly any English. We finally get to the turn to get onto campus, and the guy drives by it...at which his phone GPS starts to screech "make a legal u-turn as soon as possible...make a legal u-turn as soon as possible". So he makes a u-turn.
I've begun to feel that boys and awkward, hilarious things seem to go together? Oh and I didn't even mention that one of my now best friends, had a very awkward crush on me in high school. Or that my first kiss was after being accidentally smacked in the face. Or that a boy in high school that liked me locked himself in the sound proof band practice room to glare at me when I got mad at him for blatantly interrupting me several times...
A week after Adam broke up with me, a guy on my hall decided to ask me out. Oh, and he knew about Adam, because we had just been discussing my bad dreams that were preventing me from sleeping. Seriously? How low can you go? A week is not enough time to recover from a year and half relationship.
A month later a really awkward boy from karate asked me if I wanted to go out with him that weekend. Isn't it bad enough that I see him in a somewhat see through white gi three times a week and spar with him? And he hardly ever says a word out loud. Great. A potential serial killer...It reminds me of the time the 5th year senior in high school leaned up against my locker (in his trench coat, duck taped glasses, and greasy, unwashed hair) and said "Ummm...uhhhh...I really dig you...do I stand a chance?"
This Valentine's day I get an anonymous card. Okay, I can handle that, because I think it's possible that it's from this guy I like (who also lives on my hall...but is NOT the one mentioned above). So I ask him about it and right as he answers his roommate walks in and sprawls unto the table with his handheld gameboy. Awesome.
So we talked later and set up a date for that weekend. Saturday comes and he's hired a cab to take us out to eat. (Let me just say I am flattered now that he went this far.) But given the way things turn out in my life, the cab gets lost, overcharges him, and the restaurant loses his reservations. Pretty spectacular, eh? Oh it gets better...So the cab to get back comes and we get in. The guy drives around the building and then turn onto a one way street going the wrong way! Turns out the guy has only been a driver 2 day and speaks hardly any English. We finally get to the turn to get onto campus, and the guy drives by it...at which his phone GPS starts to screech "make a legal u-turn as soon as possible...make a legal u-turn as soon as possible". So he makes a u-turn.
I've begun to feel that boys and awkward, hilarious things seem to go together? Oh and I didn't even mention that one of my now best friends, had a very awkward crush on me in high school. Or that my first kiss was after being accidentally smacked in the face. Or that a boy in high school that liked me locked himself in the sound proof band practice room to glare at me when I got mad at him for blatantly interrupting me several times...
May 10, 2010
Motivation
Sometimes the overwhelming feeling of pointlessness floods in. I really hate this feeling. Because I know there is a point, and that I have plenty to do. I have a list of things that I want to do. A list of things that I should do. And a list of things that I have to do. But I find myself sitting in front of this laptop, checking my email to find nothing at all. Staring blankly at this page wanting something more than what is here. A room full of messy, not yet unpacked or put away things stares me in the face. All I really want to do is sleep, yet I feel guilty for wanting that. And no this doesn't even make sense to me. It just is what it is, and like always it will eventually go away.
May 6, 2010
A fault of mine:
not liking the way others see things.
Example: Disney World.
What I feel: Disney World isn't that great.
What others said to that:
Example: Disney World.
What I feel: Disney World isn't that great.
What others said to that:
you've never been with friends, you went as a nanny.
My thought:
I still value going out to a cabin by the lake and being away from the world and technology for a week more.
What others said:
That's nice.
I like both of those things.
They're different.
I've been camping too.
My thought:
No, I like that better than Disney World by a landslide. I like nature more than contrived human things that waste your money and stress you out.
Others:
What about traveling? You have to plan that and it can be stressful, but it's fun.
Me:
Well yes that's nice, but I still rather be reading a book on a dock without plans for a week enjoying nature. Kayaking, walking, reading, writing, thinking, free from phones, tv, computers...that's a vacation; traveling is traveling.
Others:
You've just never been to Disney World at the right time with the right people.
Me (in my head):
You're all so superficial and materialistic...
Me (later):
I'm not better than them. I just want them to see things my way and value them too. But they don't. Who says I'm right other than me and like minded people? What gives me the right to view their opinion as less worthy?
Being keenly aware of my faults is humbling, but sometimes not quite because I view this as something that a lot of others don't do but should. Which brings me back to the whole issue. Don't you just love the endless cycles you get yourself into?
My thought:
I still value going out to a cabin by the lake and being away from the world and technology for a week more.
What others said:
That's nice.
I like both of those things.
They're different.
I've been camping too.
My thought:
No, I like that better than Disney World by a landslide. I like nature more than contrived human things that waste your money and stress you out.
Others:
What about traveling? You have to plan that and it can be stressful, but it's fun.
Me:
Well yes that's nice, but I still rather be reading a book on a dock without plans for a week enjoying nature. Kayaking, walking, reading, writing, thinking, free from phones, tv, computers...that's a vacation; traveling is traveling.
Others:
You've just never been to Disney World at the right time with the right people.
Me (in my head):
You're all so superficial and materialistic...
Me (later):
I'm not better than them. I just want them to see things my way and value them too. But they don't. Who says I'm right other than me and like minded people? What gives me the right to view their opinion as less worthy?
Being keenly aware of my faults is humbling, but sometimes not quite because I view this as something that a lot of others don't do but should. Which brings me back to the whole issue. Don't you just love the endless cycles you get yourself into?
May 1, 2010
People
Sometimes I really really hate people. I hate the social situations, interactions, opinions, moods, emotions, you name it. Sometimes it drives me so unbelievably crazy. Sometimes it makes me so unbelievably mad. At the moment the boy on my hall who I had an issue with earlier is being a jerk. He ended up opting out of the University Counseling Sessions once he found out I had agreed to go.
He bitched at me today for talking to myself while I packed things in the hall for storage over the summer, saying that during reading peroid there were quite hours. He proceeded (within the hour) to play music on his computer in the lounge while the rest of us sat there working on our computers.
He loves to claim he's been through a lot of things in his life and that he's had a tough life. He uses this an excuse to judge others. I don't doubt he might have had a tough life. I think we all do, what's tough for one person might be modest in comparison to another. But we only experience what life throws at us, not what it throws at someone else.
It bothered me to no end when I finally confronted him about what this "tough" part of his life was. His answer: that he'd been raised in an urban area where he was the minority, a white male, to a school full of white preps, and then back to a high school where he was once again in the minority. I don't doubt that this was difficult. But f-off dude, just becuase you think you've been through hell doesn't mean that you have the right to tell people that they haven't been through anything. Example: he voiced his opinion about a girl on our hall that is dealing with serious mood/depression issues. He basically said that she needs to grow up and deal. He doesn't even know that she is actually not well. He doesn't know what she struggles with, he doesn't know her past.
Does he know one of our friends put a double barrel shot gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger? The barrel that wasn't loaded was the one that went off. Does he know that?
Does he know another friend was sick for most of her childhood? That another spent more days sick than in school in high school? Does he know that a friend of ours was sexually abused? Does he know another was mugged and slashed with a knife when he tried to fight back and just stopped taking his anti-depressants? Does he know that one girl is extremely self conscious about her appearance because she was teased? Does he know one girl had tumors removed when she was a child? Does he know one guy went through an open heart surgery? Does he know that one girl had a best friend who stabbed his step father? Does he know that one girl has only met her father two times?
You know what, dude? I'm sorry you're blind and ignorant to the world around you. You're right though about one thing: we do all need to grow up, you just need to take your own advice as well because you're miles behind a lot of others. And I am still sorry for losing my temper at you. Don't tell me when I am or am not sorry, you do not know me.
He bitched at me today for talking to myself while I packed things in the hall for storage over the summer, saying that during reading peroid there were quite hours. He proceeded (within the hour) to play music on his computer in the lounge while the rest of us sat there working on our computers.
He loves to claim he's been through a lot of things in his life and that he's had a tough life. He uses this an excuse to judge others. I don't doubt he might have had a tough life. I think we all do, what's tough for one person might be modest in comparison to another. But we only experience what life throws at us, not what it throws at someone else.
It bothered me to no end when I finally confronted him about what this "tough" part of his life was. His answer: that he'd been raised in an urban area where he was the minority, a white male, to a school full of white preps, and then back to a high school where he was once again in the minority. I don't doubt that this was difficult. But f-off dude, just becuase you think you've been through hell doesn't mean that you have the right to tell people that they haven't been through anything. Example: he voiced his opinion about a girl on our hall that is dealing with serious mood/depression issues. He basically said that she needs to grow up and deal. He doesn't even know that she is actually not well. He doesn't know what she struggles with, he doesn't know her past.
Does he know one of our friends put a double barrel shot gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger? The barrel that wasn't loaded was the one that went off. Does he know that?
Does he know another friend was sick for most of her childhood? That another spent more days sick than in school in high school? Does he know that a friend of ours was sexually abused? Does he know another was mugged and slashed with a knife when he tried to fight back and just stopped taking his anti-depressants? Does he know that one girl is extremely self conscious about her appearance because she was teased? Does he know one girl had tumors removed when she was a child? Does he know one guy went through an open heart surgery? Does he know that one girl had a best friend who stabbed his step father? Does he know that one girl has only met her father two times?
You know what, dude? I'm sorry you're blind and ignorant to the world around you. You're right though about one thing: we do all need to grow up, you just need to take your own advice as well because you're miles behind a lot of others. And I am still sorry for losing my temper at you. Don't tell me when I am or am not sorry, you do not know me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)