Moose Riding

An interesting story that was told by the groom's brother at the wedding a few weeks ago when we asked him how work was going (he works at a resort close to the border with Canada):

"Well, there's not much to do up there on our time off. And they work us crazy long hours, I'm up at 4AM regularly. We went out last weekend, we usually just cruise around in the car, drink, smoke, goof off. So we were out drinking and looking for some moose. We finally found one and decided that it'd be pretty awesome if I rode a moose. So, I got unto the roof of the car and we got along side the moose and I jumped unto it's back. I lasted about 10 seconds and then fell off. The moose wasn't too happy."

I'm usually a skeptic, but I hardly doubt this story at all since this is the same boy who a) accidentally got a machete in his foot b) got a thorn caught in his eye lid while hacking through some brush c) unicycles OFF of walls, buildings, etc. d) climbs stuff without safety cables e) is just plain crazy and was probably high out of his mind when he rode the moose.

Anxiety

I thought about taking a second anti-depressant today. Not seriously, but the thought did cross my mind. I've been on anti-depressants since late December. I take them for anxiety, but they also help my mild depression. My anxiety level today was higher than it's been since I've started taking the medication (probably, putting aside finals' week). It's been high all week.

It's a combination of things I think. I move back to campus in about a week. I'm not packed yet. I'm still making lists and remembering more things I need to do. I'm fitting in last minute visits with people when all I really want at the moment is 'me' time and sleep. Work this week has been exhausting. The family I nanny for moved to their beach house. (Yes, that's right they have a "beach house".) It's an extra ten minute drive, making the morning commute a solid thirty minutes through about a dozen sets of lights and more traffic than I'm use to. The girl has been staying up later and not sleeping as well, which has created a monster who whines, complains, fall asleep in the car, and has an outrageous attitude. And then, since it's my last full week working for them, many things got planned. They also hung around the house a few of the days this week and worked from there. This drives me particularly mad since I feel watched, scrutinized, and judged. I work an afternoon this weekend too to help out with her birthday party, and then full days (8AM-7PM, that's 11 hours) until I leave. Granted I did this to myself, I told them I was free until then. What was I thinking?

Living Vulnerably

Sometimes, it feels like we all just walk around inviting the hurt in over and over again, like idiots. The only comfort is that if we don't, we'll never find that love that we are so obviously searching for.

I'm ever so slowly learning to become a fan of vulnerability. The paradox: vulnerability is the greatest strength there is. I'm dead serious. What's stronger than being completely open: open to pain, open to hurt, open to sadness? But also open to the greatest love, true joy, happiness, peace, and relationships with others?

The thing that needs to be kept in mind is that the rebound from pain isn't easy: there is no cure-all in life. But, knowing and accepting that is an amazing strength.

"You can not protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." -- Jonathan Safran Foer