He was my first boyfriend. A great guy, with all the qualities I wanted in someone special. He was sweet, easy going, funny, loved his faith, and loved me. A lot of our relationship was long distance since he left for college six hours away after we'd been dating only three months. He promised he'd always be there for me, that he'd love me forever, that he'd marry me, that he'd love me even if I needed time to myself. Then this past winter break, a week before I was suppose to head back to school, after a year and half of dating, he left me.
It wasn't entirely unexpected, we'd been fighting a lot over little things all break, and not really enjoying each other's company because of it. But he just left. He was suddenly cold and distant. He didn't want to work it out. He didn't talk about it until it happened. He was a jerk about it. He told me that he'd never loved me, that it was all physical, that he'd been feeling this way since the beginning of break, that it was a mistake, that we were never in a relationship to begin with.
He told me all of this but it took a half hour for it to sink in. I realized that it was all over, that it was not I, the more unsure one, ending the relationship. I tried to act okay to make it easier for both of us. I asked for one last kiss, one I will always remember along with the first. My first kiss: On a beach, surrounded by a slowly lifting fog, we discussed how bad our vision was. "I have great peripheral vision," he said and swung his hands out to the side to gesture, accidentally hitting me in the face. He immediately turned, embarrassed at what had just happened and brought me into a hug, and finished what he had been saying: "but I have bad depth perception". As we pulled out of the hug he kissed me. It was electric.
We had chemistry and friendship. Or so I thought. What kind of a friend just picks up and leaves when you've been through hell and are at your lowest? When you've just started to get more than a therapist's help with your anxiety and depression? Apparently some do. I guess I don't blame him. He has his own issues, similar to mine. But he refuses help. He doesn't view his friends as a support system, but merely a system of people with which to relax with. How are they friends then? How does he go through life not letting anyone know him? I was guilty of that same thing for a long time too. So perhaps he just needs to grow in a way I already have. He's a stubborn rock with a thick shell. He's unmoving and unwilling to grow but he can see, just as I did, that something needs to give. I guess in order for him to fix the leak he first needs to throw everything overboard.
I'm sad I lost Adam. But it is what it is. And I'm determined to grow and move on through my life, I just pray he can too. I never lied, I will love him, forever and for always.
