Currently I am back-tracking, towards childhood...if you could call it back-tracking at all. I've spent so much of my life being serious, worrying, and filled with anxiety. And I find I've been anything but lately. I feel hypocritical, guilty, and ashamed.
It's probably a wide variety of recent events and of course I am limited by my own perspective. It could be the anti-depressants I take for anxiety and depression. Or the lack of burden that relationships can cause. It could be the approaching finals. Or perhaps that after a year of hard work and tremendous ups and downs, I've decided to let go. Perhaps I just don't care anymore. This last thought scares me because I want to be respectable, responsible, mature, intelligent, appropriate, and personable.
I don't know what it is and I don't know why. My only guess is that so far in life I've managed to move from one end of a see-saw to another. I sit in one spot until someone puts just enough wieght on the other for me to realize it's not as stable as I thought. I feel like I'm going back and forth like this in all aspects of my life, trying to find that balance.
I have to say I feel guilty for getting mad with Adam's instances of what I labeled immaturity. I realize now what I could not see when I was in the midst of depression and anxiety and stress. I realize that was his way of balancing out the work and stress in his life. How he needed that so badly. It is easy to cross the line from goofing off to immature when you're in such a state. The past few days have taught me that.
