Religion

Religion seems like just an attempt to explain what we cannot; A way for us to put words and images to something beyond our ability to fully understand. God is so much more than all of this. I just know.

This view puts me at odds with many things. I often feel as if I don't belong to a church. But I'd like to. I claim to be Catholic. But I always feel that I am not really, because I hold this view. I get the sense from others within churches that they do actually believe everything literally. They stand there and say that they know something is 100% true. I only know a few things that are in my heart of hearts true: There is a God. He is good. He loves us. We should love Him. We should love all others. As for everything else, well to be honest, none of it really seems to matter in comparison. I don't know if Jesus really walked this Earth. Or if Moses really was over five hundred years old. Or whether or not Mary was a virgin. I don't even know if everything is as it appears. Does that make sense? The cycle could go on forever. If I sometimes doubt these things and if I sometimes choose to not spend so much time worrying about them so I can do what I know is right, does that make me not a Catholic? Or not a Christian? It's okay to me if things didn't happen exactly as the bible says. For instance I don't think the world was created only 6,000 years ago. I don't think we walked the earth with dinosaurs. Perhaps it is only that old and we did, I'm not God thus I don't know for sure. But would it really be the end of the world if it wasn't all true? If Genesis was much more poetic than factual?



God exists outside of time and of all I can currently see. Trying to understand Him makes me feel so small, so baffled by how great He must be, and so in awe of how wonderful He is. There is this feeling that overwhelms me, and I know that it is only a fraction of what He is. I know that this is love. He is love. And that is the core of the matter.

Stuck Inside

Lost inside yourself,
your thoughts and pains.
You dwell not in this world but in your mind.
Your soul feels empty yet so heavy.
Your heart beats artificailly
but you manage to just keep moving.
You claim there is no purpose,
no greater anything.
You say you have nothing to live for.
You're blind to the world.
Open your eyes and see.

Dreams (June 11)

First dream: Adam and I are in some field behind an old barn. I'm upset with him (not unlike real life) and I yell "Do you know how hard it is to love and hate someone at the same time!?" We then proceed to have a lightsaber fight. That's right, like in Star Wars. I'm hiding behind a couch and so is he. He throws a lightsaber into the air and I dodge it and pick it up. I end up loosing an arm and getting a saw like sword to the left shoulder. I then, as a last attempt, send one of his lightsabers spinning at him and it slices off his head. It wasn't a gruesome dream despite the description...I guess it was a way for my mind to release some of the anger and frustration I have towards him. I'd say part of it is never talking in person about it.

Second dream: The apartment building my father owns is, for some reason, across town. You can see the ocean all around because it's now on a peninsula. My parents are in the room when I see a tornado touch the water and then go away. I'm really excited, but then I see more, bigger ones, coming straight for us. I grab the stuff that's around me and open the window wider and yell at my folks to open the door. I then duck into the corner face down and my parents do the same. Multiple tornadoes come through and I get more and more worried with each one. A nearby house catches fire and we decide to risk driving to our house, which I hope it less affected by the tornadoes and the fire.

Awkward Boner Boy

You should be forewarned. This post is about exactly what the title implies. Sadly, I'm sure there are more awkward experiences in college to come...

I dropped down to a "slower" math class fall semester. I just couldn't take the pace of the other class along with my engineering 101 class, chemistry, and freshman writing too. The class I moved into was one of two sections. The professor was at least 75. The class was at 9AM. There were about 10 of us that attended pretty regularly. I believe 30 were registered for our section. One pretty good looking red head sat to my right. He spoke with a British/Caribbean accent and sure enough he was from the BVI. Nice guy, sort of flattering in the way he politely flirted. Great smile. Played squash. But not someone I'd ever be interested in really, other than the good looks. I spoke to him a few times in class and after. Once he and I went to grab breakfast after and sat with one of his friends (a girl). We discussed math, the BVI, and the weather. I kid you not, that was about it.

The semester goes on and he shows up to the class less and less. I see him once and a while around campus and we say a passing "hey". One of the last days of finals rolls around and I'm walking toward the library when I see him running towards me. I say hey and wave. He comes directly at me (okay this is where I begin to wonder what's up...he looked like he was in a hurry to go somewhere...not talk to me...)He stops panting and then hugs me. UM WHAT!!!!!??? And this hug last too long. Too long even if he was a hall mate or a close friend. And mid hug I realize that there is something, well awkward? Something like a possible boner. Um, excuse me? At this point I really really hope that I'm wrong and it's just a book or something he's holding...

Finally, I manage to get out of the hug. He looks at me confused and asked if I don't like hugs. I manage to stumble out something like "I um am NOT a very huggy person". Which use to be true but is now more of a lie. We then stand there for maybe a minute or two and make polite conversation. I'm trying to get the hell away from him. I finally get moving to go, having ended the conversation. And guess what? HE LEANS BACK IN FOR A HUG! NO NO NO. And it was literally one of those things you didn't see coming and cannot avoid unless you plan on throwing the person to the ground. This second hug confirms my original thought. Yes, that is a boner. Oh, the awkwardness of it all. Of course I avoid him like the plague now...