Dream (March 24)

I was in a room on the basement/ground floor of the library on campus. I was with my friends Kate and Leah. I pointed out a cute guy next to us. Kate disagreed with me, saying that the guy behind us was interested in me. I laughed, and we watched a performance or speech or something of the sort. Then we were all standing up talking to the people around us. The guy that Kate had mentioned came up to me and introduced himself as Mark (actually it wasn't a real name but this is as close as I can think of). He was a singer in one of the popular a Capella groups on campus I found out. He held my right hand up as if we were going to dance and slowly we did begin to turn in a graceful circle. He asked me out right there. I was elated, flattered, and happy. I was also aware of all the eyes in the room on us, but okay with it in a way. I was also thinking that I'd text a guy I knew in the a Capella group to ask him what he knew about Mark.

The dream skipped here as they often do, and I was with Mark off campus. We appeared and might have been a few years older. We were in a gated community like area, but there were summer cabins and an overseer type of person that lived by the entrance. For whatever reason he let some people out, I wanted to go but the others hesitated. Now it was Mark and I, and suddenly a child who was ours and a male friend of ours that one of us had cheated on the other with? The overseer/landlord guy was turned out to be evil and wouldn't let anyone leave ever again. He kept us there by using some weird crazy complicated physics time warp black hole stuff. Hilariously crazy right?

So we decided to go get two people (who I barely know in real life) because apparently they were physicists (they're musicians in real life). Suddenly we're in a grocery store parking lot in a car. Then we're suddenly in a building. Then, I'm Angelia from the tv show The Office. I pretend to lose my swipe card and get into the office. It ends up working out really well because there is a new women named Angelia who just started working there. Suddenly it cuts again and I'm back in the car with the two friends sitting in back. We get back to the gated summer evil camp ground and...I wake up. What the heck?

Love Letters

What do you do when you get a letter from an ex? When you have been trying to keep your relationship just a friendship? When the relationship was only a month long, after your first love of a year and half. When at points you've wondered whether to you'd want to give it a try again or not?

But at the same time you know it isn't possible. You have differences in beliefs, growth, morals, attitudes, and thought processes. You're going to be abroad for 6 months. You don't miss him when he's gone. You're interested in other people. But once and a while you have the urge to kiss him.

Realization: The only thing left over is a physical urge to be with. Thus, you cannot respond back to that letter with anything but rejection. And you'll lose that "friend", who you cannot really call a friend, since your friendship leaned a bit too close to a mild relationship at points. All you have is regret. And sorrow that you didn't fully realize it as it all unfolded.

Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Tired. Down. Depressed.

I feel like all the energy and emotion has been zapped out of me when I wasn't looking. Like it's an effort to get myself to stand. I feel isolated from my friends. I don't want to call them. I don't want to see them in person. I do but I don't. I want to curl up and sleep. Or at least do something to lift my mood. It came out of the blue, and swamped me suddenly. At points it lifts a little or I muster up energy to do what needs to be done. But in general I'm just pretending, a shell, trying to feel things as fully as I usually do. Trying to be as real as I feel I should be. My back aches. My mind is heavy and full but empty of anything important. I dread work and the question of how am I possibly going to get this all done? And I as I write that last sentence I smile and feel a little better. It will be fine, and this mood cannot last forever, and it doesn't last very long since I started the meds. Happy thoughts.

Friendship

I want you to know that I love you. I will always love you. Love doesn't make sense, and it doesn't follow the rules. I think there is only one love, not many forms, only different ways of expressing it and different way society allows us to express it. I know it doesn't seem that way when you look at the world, but it's what I know and have found to be true. I'm proud of you. You know we don't look through the same lens on matters, but that's more than okay, I don't think we're suppose to.

Dream (March 10)

I dreamt I enlisted in the army, and showed up on campus for ROTC my first morning. Since I'm mid way through schooling it was odd and I was unsure what to do. There was a bus or a jeep of some sort and I was wearing a tan cameo uniform. So were several others. The superior spoke to me, of course in the stereotypical drill Sargent speech. I felt out of the loop and too new to it all, but other than that I felt fine, in the right place though still adjusting to it. I followed them into an office, where I spoke with other students. They mentioned there was physical training early in the morning, I didn't seem to mind the idea of that. And then there was classes or office work? All I remember is data entry. It was strange, I had a logical progression of thought about the whole thing, I had enlisted so that two years of my four would be while I was in school and they'd pay for it.

The Golden Rule

Dear Acquaintance,

I de-friended you on Facebook.

No one deserves your insults and disrespect.

I hope you see this:

Thank you, to whoever sent this in.

Truth is:

Life is complicated.