After a Bad Friday Night

Please consider being more intelligent next time you decide to tell someone with depression that it doesn't exist. You're not the one who just held a knife to her wrist, just trying to imagine how someone could actually go through with such an act. I know I could not, thank God, ever injure myself. Yet toying with such ideas and understandings while depressed is scary beyond belief. The morbid thoughts that come with depression leave me to wonder what the difference is between someone like me who knows they won't act, and the so many others who have.

Depression

Is when you cry yourself to sleep at 9:30PM, and do not fully wake until 11:20 the next morning. Sometimes, even little things feel worse than they really are and these unchecked negative emotions can grab you from the depths and pull you down, down, down, down.

Dreams (April 13 &14)

At a fancy train station waiting to catch a train to NYC so I can catch my fight to Paris. Miss the train, anxious. Packing completely last minute, throwing things in...keep forgetting underwear. ( I actually did wake several times over the course of that morning, each time having to briefly calm myself down, that I would pack in advance.)

The room I was in was going to flood. So I shut the door, opened the windows and put things just above the floor.

My room, set up differently. Trying to arrange things on the walls. My cross, a painting, my dresser.

My window, and the roof outside of it. My back yard neighbor is suddenly my art professor setting up for a party. She sees me and invites me to it, it's a graduation party for the current art seniors. It feels like high school again. I feel odd and putout since I wasn't invited. She wore a black and red or white old style dress. Her mother was there spreading leaves over some mulch.

Enlisting

A thought has crossed my mind, actually it's been brewing awhile. It's just an idea at the moment, not a plan. After getting my degree, I think I might enlist in the military. It isn't a fall back plan, or an easy out, or because I think I'll be unable to get a job. Actually, I'm quite sure I'll be able to get a job or get into grad school. It's an option. Though one I'm not really sure my folks will be grooving about, they didn't approve of talking about it as an option after high school. Which I'm thankful for, since they knew I'd do well and enjoy going on and continuing my schooling.

At the moment, my interest is in clinical, abnormal, and military psychology. I've met people here at school that have seen combat, that have been in the military, that have dealt with post traumatic stress as well as professors and others who have worked with veterans and soldiers. I'll be going abroad to Israel next semester and taking classes on Military, Organizational, and Trauma Psychology. And hopefully I'll be interning at a local VA for psychology credit towards my major.