New Year Surprise!

My friends that got married this summer called me yesterday. I assumed it was the typical 'happy holiday' call since they live out West now, but they called to tell me they are expecting a baby this summer!!!

When I told a friend who knows them, she was horrified. She said something along the lines of the woman's life being over. Really, that's what my generation thinks? That your life simply ends when you have kids? Things change when you have kids, I've babysat for too many families to deny that! But life ending? That just makes it sound like the child is some unwanted, unexpected, dreaded curse. Having a child is not life ending, but life changing. They planned this new addition, and knew full well the things that lay ahead (both are from large families). They both have college degrees and are capable people. They are young, but they are married and committed. They'll make excellent parents. I'm so excited and happy for them!

Later Note: They are no longer expecting. Sometimes life takes unusual turns. I pray things work out for the best. May their unborn little one rest in peace.

April 1, 2011 They're expecting again!

To You, Uptight Orthodox

If the world upheld every religious rule and regulation perfectly, and if we stuck solely to a very legalist interpretation of doctrine, well, none of us would be practicing the religions we currently are. Religions grow and change, as everything does in this world. So, please radically conservative orthodox Catholic acquaintance, stop getting terribly heated over minor things you think everyone should agree with. If only the people that agree with you on all such points were considered "Catholic", then you'd only be counting less than 5% of the current church. Oh, and also please stop thinking you know how to translate Sanskrit...because you don't.

"According to ancient Catholic tradition and teaching, explicitly confirmed in 1965 by the Second Vatican Council, known as Vatican II, the church is not its hierarchy. The church is the flock."

("The Pill" By Bernard p245)

Wisdom Teeth

My first semester of college did not go as planned. I had had my wisdom teeth removed that summer, but a few weeks into the semester my gums missed my wisdom teeth so much they decided to become infected. The university health center told me my gums were just fine, so I put them on the phone with the surgeon back home. Yes, that's right health center: swollen, pus filled, achy, sore, and red gums mean there is an infection.

Several weeks of different dosages of antibiotics later, they were still infected. So I jogged over to the local dental clinic at 8AM when it opens in order to get in and out before class at 11AM. At about 11:30AM I finally saw someone and had x-rays taken. Then finally the doctor and her assistant came in. Both were short, dark haired, and spoke with a heavy Eastern European accent. A few moments later she said something about a piece of my jaw bone causing the infection (while pointing to a speck on the x-ray) and proceeded to pull out a syringe and knife.

There is nothing like being nine hours from home, in a new state, missing all your morning classes, being a college freshman, and having an Eastern European woman perform surprise oral surgery to remove part of your jaw bone. Thankfully, after a few visits I was as good as new.

Dream (December 7)

We stood impatiently waiting for our names to appear on the aged yellow office envelopes that contained our scores or grades. I read Priscilla's name and gave her her envelope. I bent over to look at more and was crushed by a girl next to me. I was upset at her for being so rude, and made a face. She was all dressed up and had curls in her hair as if she was going to prom or was a bridesmaid in a wedding.

Suddenly some of us and others are on a school bus. Now I'm dress in a dark dress ans shawl and my hair is long and curled also. The guy I had a crush on not long ago is sitting a few seats in front of me and the mean girl is sitting directly in front of me. I don't recall who else was there but I was comfortable and seemed to know most of them. The bus was winding fast down curving, bumpy, country roads. We were going too fast for comfort, and downhill around turns. My stomach and mind did not agree with it. I sensed a friendly warmth from the mean girl and we talked about something. Finally the bus pulled into a lot, similar I'd stopped before on a bus.

I got out still dressed up and went into a tourist shop. There were mountains, fish, etc. style things. and middle aged heavy set ladies that worked there. I walked through, and found the door to the recreation and tourist area, which was filled with people, mostly women dressed in long, older style dresses that reminded me of modern day conservative religious women. I wandered to the other side of the huge room and found my youth minister from back home. Her hair was in two braids. Behind her were people from that group.

Dream (December 4)

There was a white wedding dress and slip hanging from the back of my dorm room door. It wasn't a traditional wedding dress but one of those cotton, lace, slip-like dresses that are popular in film & music lately. My marriage was either that night or the next day, though I was unsure about it, since it was very last minute.

I enjoyed dancing (a step/clog type of dance) in a parade with a friend from the Newman community (the Catholic group on campus).

I showed up last minute for a race near a river and ocean bay that had a bridge across it. I hadn't run in a while and my old high school cross country coach was there. There were buildings off in the distance, but the area around the water was low and had tall yellow & green grass.

It's All Nice, In Theory

Psychology class today went as follows:

"Ellis' Rational Behavior Therapy was to help patients rid themselves of maladaptive and irrational beliefs which led to negative behavior. By focusing on cognition, you can change behavior. His technique is founded on the idea that we have power over our own emotions, destiny, and experiences. We choose to be depressed, angry, frustrated, etc. Ultimately we are in control."

Well that's true, but ridiculously idealistic and it's unpractical to think you can completely change that in people. Guess that's why this guy is a mechanistic psychologist.

"One of the core irrational belief's that people have according to Ellis is what he calls 'demands'. Demands are when we believe that the world ought to be different than how it is.

And.... that makes Ellis' theory (according to Ellis' theory) irrational: The theory places the demand that we should be able to control our actions, experiences, and emotions, when in fact it's a struggle for everyone since we're human. My head hurts, that was too circular. Why am I learning this?

November 22, 2010

Perfectionism is something that can never be done perfectly.

Dream (November 10)

My roommate from last year and I were setting up our room. But we were in a new room, oddly shaped with a old, many paned window that overlooked a city. I had a silver metal bed frame that I lofted, and a desk. The ceiling changed heights in the room and was a deep blue. We were trying to figure out how to best fit everything. The room had sunlight coming through the window, a soft yellow. There was a white wooden door. And the walls were a soft neutral yellowish.

Unplanned Weekend in PA

This weekend I was headed to an art conference with some students from my class and my professor. In Pennsylvania we passed a place called Reptile Land. I look up and laugh and say "hey, it's an accredited zoo!" and a few moments later I'm being jolted forward and watching us move away from the car in front of us as it moves forward into a pick up truck. Next thing I know we're pulled over just past Reptile Land. The car's hood is crumpled and we can see the engine, the headlights are gone, the car leaking something, and it's smoking.

Thankfully everyone was fine, we weren't going fast enough for the airbags to be deployed. However I was now stuck in the middle of Pennsylvania without a ride to the conference or back to school. We waited for the state trooper for a while and the drizzle stopped. As we placed calls to people with access to the internet, car rental places, and bus companies, a full huge rainbow appeared.

Funnier yet though was that we were in front of this sign:

We are informed that there are two places to catch a bus back to school. Both are 20 minutes away, so we ask the tow truck driver where he is heading and go with him. We get to the garage and find out there is no bus station, just a "stop". We call the bus company and find out that the bus doesn't leave until the next day at 1PM. the tow truck driver's wife offered us a ride into town to a nearby hotel. I call and find out there are rooms and we drive in. At midnight that night as I'm trying to fall asleep, the door opens...the door to the room next door, however I can hear it as if it were my door. I hear two men speak as if they are in the room. I can hear them unzip their luggage and then complain about having to share a bed.

Finally the next day comes and I check out of the hotel and walk downtown to buy a bus ticket. The only place that sells them: the local town tavern, which of course is not open at 10AM on a Saturday. So I go to the college's Barn's & Noble, where I am greeted by a person wearing a huge Peter Rabbit suit. I grab lunch at a local deli, which is filled with stereotypical sorority girls and jocks all still hungover from a night out. The man in front of me appears homeless and starts to chat me up, though I am not able to comprehend a word he is saying.

The bus pulls up to the side of the main street where I was told to wait. There was no bus stop, sign, or shelter. I get on and we drive what would be an hour and half by car in 2 and a half. When we get to where I have to switch stops an Amish family gets on the bus.

The gentlemen from my last bus gets on and sits right behind me. I soon find out he's an ex-convict. Awesome. Where am I from? Oh, you know, the Massachusetts area (lie). Do I live on campus? Oh, in the general area, it's complicated (lie). This continues for pieces of the almost four hour ride, which would have taken 2 hours tops by car. Meanwhile the bus driver is up front spouting conspiracy theories to the women in the first seat. Sodium florid? They put that in the water to make us dull so they can take over; like the British did in China. And the sex trade, that's run by high ranking government officials. The underwear bomber was really a government plant to get us to agree with them putting full body scanners in airports; you know, they cause radiation, right? The government is trying to kill us slowly! He had 3, almost 4 hours worth of these theories to talk and talk and talk about.

When I arrived back on campus, I was more grateful for sleep than I've been for a while. And very happy that daylight savings time gave me an extra hour of it. And that as shit filled as this weekend was, it makes for an unreal and hilarious story.

No Hair!

Just the other day I donated a foot of hair and shaved my head. A group on campus was doing a fundraiser, so I decided it was time to do one of those crazy things I've always thought about doing. All that crazy healthy hair I had is now going to be given to someone who needs it more than I do. I still can't believe I did it, but I love my new fuzzy head!

After the Edge

We will walk
hand in hand
down the road,
falling off the edge that isn't clear
we will know
what is there.

Dear dizziness will drown us down,
down to where no one knows.
When we walk back
they'll run and talk

cause we went to where no one has.
We went to where they fear.
And when they ask
we will smile wide
And turn our backs,
leaving questions.

We faced the fear
and came back.
So what is there to fear?

HPV

Why I didn't get the vaccine:

First off, my doctor insisted I get it. When I said I was all set, she kept promoting it...so I asked a few questions. Don't you have to be sexually active to get HPV? (Yup) How many men have HPV? What are the odds you'll get it? What are the odds the virus will turn cause cancer? How many strains of the virus does this vaccinate me against? (4 out of 17...the 4 strains cause 70% of the cancer cases or something like that). How long has it been out? (Not long enough!) How do I know it even works? Can't you still get HPV and the cancer despite the vaccine? (yep, that 30%)

Despite the that I genuinely expressed the fact that I was not and was not planning on being sexually active, my doctor still insisted. Every annual visit to her from the age of 14 to 18 I had to tell her no and explain that I wasn't comfortable with getting the vaccine. Don't get me wrong, she was good doctor and she had to inform me, but why must she be so pushy!?

However, the other day facebook confirmed my decision on not getting the shot when an ad on the side of my screen said: "if you received 3 dose regimen of a HPV vaccine, you may qualify for an INVESTIGATION RESEARCH study. Compensation available". Now that's comforting...

Dream (September 27)

In this dream I was held in prision like place with lots of boxes and crates. It was a warehouse basement. I made a run for it after a little while into my dream. I got out and hid among some hedges on the side of the road. I somehow ended up at a family friend's house. He moved out when his parents divorced many years ago. It was an old house by the ocean, with a steep embankment to one side. Their was a tree house in a tree hanging on the embankment behind the house. I somehow ended up at an older, more beaten, and abandoned version of his old house, that had a tree house that had a two by four as a bridge to get to it. I went into the house to see if it was empty or not. I got upstairs to his parents bedroom which has a couch in it when I saw the shadow of a movement. I bolted and the person gave up seeing who it was once I was out of the house. I somehow got back to the prison place, thinking that they wouldn't bother looking for me in the place I'd escaped from. I got a pair of clothes, street clothes. I hid in the hedges along the side of the road, I remember the colors matching the green and brown. I somehow made it across the street and into a terminal. It was either a train or plan station. The guy in front of me was having trouble with the ticket machine so two guards or policemen came over. They turned to me curious and I played it cool by saying that, 'yea I know I look like that chick that escaped, I've been getting that all day'. They left. I woke up.

Dream (September 25)

In the dream I had a mentally retarded brother who stayed in a white empty swimming pool like part of a white room. I also had an older brother who reminded me of the quiet frat boy from my art class. I was stressed supporting the mentally ill brother. As one point my grandmother gave up her passion of photography (my real grandmother doesn't take photos). I kept one of the cameras to continue her passion. In front of my dorm building, a guy from my math class and dorm building played the guitar to earn money to help me help my brother. I was stressed and mad at my older brother. But the dream ended when we resolved the tension between us and hugged.

Creepers

More awkward movements this past week thanks to men...

A freshmen resident of mine just came up to me and licked my ear. Yup, I'm talking to someone and he comes over, puts his hand on my waist and stands way to close. "What the?" And before I can even figure out what is going on he licks my ear and ducks into his room. According to the rest of the people on his hall this normal. Okay, then...

A few nights ago I'm walking in front of the student union at about 8:30 at night. A red sports car pulls up and an African American guy asks me how to get to the gym from here. So I tell him and then continue on my way, talking to my mother on the phone. He calls out, "Hey! Wait!". So I turn and he says "I didn't catch your name?" So I make one up...not a very good one at that though. I throw out a nice to meet you, and then continue on my way again. This however is followed by another "hey". So I turn, this time half knowing what's coming next. He calls from the car: "Can I gettcha numbah?" I'm not even kidding. It was straight out of a you tube video, accent and all. I muttered something about not giving people my number, smiled, and walked away.

Remember that creeper kid that asked me to go ice skating last winter? Well he facebook chatted me today and said "I read your bio, so you like such and such? Because I love that too :)" Awkward, I mean really who mentions that in passing? Except for close friends making fun of you.

Wow....gaaaaah! Creepers! *sigh* Are they trying to creep me out or just doing this without meaning to?

The Jew in Me

I went to Rosh Hashanah orthodox services the other night with a friend. I'd never been to a service before. The men were on one side of the room and the women were on the other, separated by a thin curtained screen. The rabbi stood in the front with the Torah. The Hebrew was absolutely haunting and beautiful. I can't wait to learn Hebrew.

After I walked over the dinner with two of my friends. The rabbi and his wife has hired a few people and together had made a tremendous traditional meal. I found the food unusual, but good. I'm not a huge fan of the meat. It's not bad but it's nothing great. The salad, hallah, honey, fruit, humus, and the deserts were amazing though.

I've always loved Jewish culture, even as a kid. My favorite movies and books were always personal stories from the Holocaust. I suppose that's why I slowly developed the dream to visit Israel. Hopefully this time next year I'll be in Jerusalem.

The "Mosque"

Is not a mosque. Is 2 blocks away. Is in a strongly growing Muslim community. Is prime real estate. Is not run by terrorists. Is not run by extremists. Is perfectly legal.

The Muslims that are building this mosque are about as related to the terrorists, as I, an American moderate Catholic, am related to a fundamentalist, polygamous practicing, south western Mormon. Or a crazy abortion bomber. Or a Quiver Baptist who has 20 children.

If you want respect, the legal right to pratice what you believe, and to not have other religions piss on you, you should probably try to treat others as you want to be treated.

Oh, and although you have the right to, let's please try not burn a the holy book of 1.5 billion people, about 20% of the Earth's population, because we all know that if someone decided to burn the bible, you'd all be up in arms too.

Moose Riding

An interesting story that was told by the groom's brother at the wedding a few weeks ago when we asked him how work was going (he works at a resort close to the border with Canada):

"Well, there's not much to do up there on our time off. And they work us crazy long hours, I'm up at 4AM regularly. We went out last weekend, we usually just cruise around in the car, drink, smoke, goof off. So we were out drinking and looking for some moose. We finally found one and decided that it'd be pretty awesome if I rode a moose. So, I got unto the roof of the car and we got along side the moose and I jumped unto it's back. I lasted about 10 seconds and then fell off. The moose wasn't too happy."

I'm usually a skeptic, but I hardly doubt this story at all since this is the same boy who a) accidentally got a machete in his foot b) got a thorn caught in his eye lid while hacking through some brush c) unicycles OFF of walls, buildings, etc. d) climbs stuff without safety cables e) is just plain crazy and was probably high out of his mind when he rode the moose.

Anxiety

I thought about taking a second anti-depressant today. Not seriously, but the thought did cross my mind. I've been on anti-depressants since late December. I take them for anxiety, but they also help my mild depression. My anxiety level today was higher than it's been since I've started taking the medication (probably, putting aside finals' week). It's been high all week.

It's a combination of things I think. I move back to campus in about a week. I'm not packed yet. I'm still making lists and remembering more things I need to do. I'm fitting in last minute visits with people when all I really want at the moment is 'me' time and sleep. Work this week has been exhausting. The family I nanny for moved to their beach house. (Yes, that's right they have a "beach house".) It's an extra ten minute drive, making the morning commute a solid thirty minutes through about a dozen sets of lights and more traffic than I'm use to. The girl has been staying up later and not sleeping as well, which has created a monster who whines, complains, fall asleep in the car, and has an outrageous attitude. And then, since it's my last full week working for them, many things got planned. They also hung around the house a few of the days this week and worked from there. This drives me particularly mad since I feel watched, scrutinized, and judged. I work an afternoon this weekend too to help out with her birthday party, and then full days (8AM-7PM, that's 11 hours) until I leave. Granted I did this to myself, I told them I was free until then. What was I thinking?

Living Vulnerably

Sometimes, it feels like we all just walk around inviting the hurt in over and over again, like idiots. The only comfort is that if we don't, we'll never find that love that we are so obviously searching for.

I'm ever so slowly learning to become a fan of vulnerability. The paradox: vulnerability is the greatest strength there is. I'm dead serious. What's stronger than being completely open: open to pain, open to hurt, open to sadness? But also open to the greatest love, true joy, happiness, peace, and relationships with others?

The thing that needs to be kept in mind is that the rebound from pain isn't easy: there is no cure-all in life. But, knowing and accepting that is an amazing strength.

"You can not protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." -- Jonathan Safran Foer

A Week of Vacation

Consists of:

Black-Eyed Susans in a blue glass;

fish biting my metallic pink polished toes;

loons calling softly across the water;

old houses, barns, and farms both abandoned and habited;

reading and games on the kitchen porch each night as a family;

kayaking out to see dawn from the middle of the lake when the moon and sun both share the sky;

wandering upon a simple outdoor chapel;

watching Venus rise after each sunset;

warming toes by an outdoor fire at night;

a picnic lunch up on a mountain;

drinking tea on the kitchen porch by candle light, pen in hand;

waking to the full moon just before sunrise, casting a glow over the shore;

the echo of the yips and howls of a pack of coyots, some twenty strong, at midnight;

neon blue dragonflies mating over the shallow water by the pines...

To put simply. this week was surrounded by beauty.

Closure

Is a very good thing.

I guess he isn't such a jerk. He seemed to be sorry; sad he had to end things as he did. That alone, after I've had time to put it all behind me, was a comfort. We acted normal at the wedding, not really talking, but not ignoring each other. And then as I went to leave he approached me and told me he had the two books he'd borrowed from me. We went to his truck and made some small talk - more than anything we'd said to each other since the breakup. It ended quickly, but with a brief hug.I didn't feel anything other than my nerves when I first saw him. I missed him, but at the same time I didn't. It was good to see him.

I'm happy, for both the resolve of my first relationship and the celebration of my friends' union.

That cake was made by the groom's 12 year old brother! His other brother, a cook, decorated it. I must say it tasted amazing. I hereby declare that any boy of mine shall know how to bake!

Friday Night Wedding

The weird part: they're not much older than I am; they're only 21.

Awkward factor: my ex will be there and I'll see him for the first time since he dumped me.

The very weird and awkward part: the four of us went on several double dates.

So tomorrow night, I'm going to look freakn' awesome and have a great time. I'm going to prove to myself that I can move on. I'm thinking little black dress, some heels, and makeup. If you only knew the way I dressed you'd know the profoundness of that last statement.

The wedding present; not quite the crosses I wanted, but I was behind on making them and couldn't find any that worked better.

On second thought: I have friends that are getting married?!?!?! WHAT? I'm too young for that!

Virgin Mary on a Grilled Cheese

I dearly love a good grilled cheese. Especially if there is a hint of mustard. But the Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese? Seriously?

I know it's old news. It was sold on eBay, most people laughed, some crazies thought it was real. While watching tv once I was surprised when the infamous cheesy sandwich made a guest appearance.

That's right, the almost toothless woman who somehow created a sandwich with a burn that resembles the face of a woman, got a tattoo of the sandwich on her chest/breast. Um...wha???

PS. The only thing that makes me wonder about this is the fact that the sandwich hasn't molded and seems in perfect condition...

This Summer: Beaches

thunder storm clouds

the Atlantic

a painter & some fog

and of course gloriously blue skies

A Little Secret

I don't really tell people this, but music is a rather large part of what helped me realize that there was a God. I don't share this because I'm afraid people hear it and discredit my belief and faith. But what can I say? Music touched my soul. The lyrics got me to think. I related to the emotion. I took courage from the songwriters and singers who believed and expressed their belief. Music is food for the soul; It conveys what words alone often cannot.

I suppose it started when I was walking home from high school in the fall. I was listening to an alternative rock station on a little MP3 player I'd found when Matisyahu's "King Without A Crown" came on. I hadn't really listened to much music up until that point. I like some of my parents music and that was about it. I fell in love with Matisyahu's music as soon as I looked up the rest of his songs on the computer when I got home.

Each musician, in their own way, captures a bit of what I love about faith. They capture the love, heart break, longing, frustration, and hope of life.

Religion

Religion seems like just an attempt to explain what we cannot; A way for us to put words and images to something beyond our ability to fully understand. God is so much more than all of this. I just know.

This view puts me at odds with many things. I often feel as if I don't belong to a church. But I'd like to. I claim to be Catholic. But I always feel that I am not really, because I hold this view. I get the sense from others within churches that they do actually believe everything literally. They stand there and say that they know something is 100% true. I only know a few things that are in my heart of hearts true: There is a God. He is good. He loves us. We should love Him. We should love all others. As for everything else, well to be honest, none of it really seems to matter in comparison. I don't know if Jesus really walked this Earth. Or if Moses really was over five hundred years old. Or whether or not Mary was a virgin. I don't even know if everything is as it appears. Does that make sense? The cycle could go on forever. If I sometimes doubt these things and if I sometimes choose to not spend so much time worrying about them so I can do what I know is right, does that make me not a Catholic? Or not a Christian? It's okay to me if things didn't happen exactly as the bible says. For instance I don't think the world was created only 6,000 years ago. I don't think we walked the earth with dinosaurs. Perhaps it is only that old and we did, I'm not God thus I don't know for sure. But would it really be the end of the world if it wasn't all true? If Genesis was much more poetic than factual?



God exists outside of time and of all I can currently see. Trying to understand Him makes me feel so small, so baffled by how great He must be, and so in awe of how wonderful He is. There is this feeling that overwhelms me, and I know that it is only a fraction of what He is. I know that this is love. He is love. And that is the core of the matter.

Stuck Inside

Lost inside yourself,
your thoughts and pains.
You dwell not in this world but in your mind.
Your soul feels empty yet so heavy.
Your heart beats artificailly
but you manage to just keep moving.
You claim there is no purpose,
no greater anything.
You say you have nothing to live for.
You're blind to the world.
Open your eyes and see.

Dreams (June 11)

First dream: Adam and I are in some field behind an old barn. I'm upset with him (not unlike real life) and I yell "Do you know how hard it is to love and hate someone at the same time!?" We then proceed to have a lightsaber fight. That's right, like in Star Wars. I'm hiding behind a couch and so is he. He throws a lightsaber into the air and I dodge it and pick it up. I end up loosing an arm and getting a saw like sword to the left shoulder. I then, as a last attempt, send one of his lightsabers spinning at him and it slices off his head. It wasn't a gruesome dream despite the description...I guess it was a way for my mind to release some of the anger and frustration I have towards him. I'd say part of it is never talking in person about it.

Second dream: The apartment building my father owns is, for some reason, across town. You can see the ocean all around because it's now on a peninsula. My parents are in the room when I see a tornado touch the water and then go away. I'm really excited, but then I see more, bigger ones, coming straight for us. I grab the stuff that's around me and open the window wider and yell at my folks to open the door. I then duck into the corner face down and my parents do the same. Multiple tornadoes come through and I get more and more worried with each one. A nearby house catches fire and we decide to risk driving to our house, which I hope it less affected by the tornadoes and the fire.

Awkward Boner Boy

You should be forewarned. This post is about exactly what the title implies. Sadly, I'm sure there are more awkward experiences in college to come...

I dropped down to a "slower" math class fall semester. I just couldn't take the pace of the other class along with my engineering 101 class, chemistry, and freshman writing too. The class I moved into was one of two sections. The professor was at least 75. The class was at 9AM. There were about 10 of us that attended pretty regularly. I believe 30 were registered for our section. One pretty good looking red head sat to my right. He spoke with a British/Caribbean accent and sure enough he was from the BVI. Nice guy, sort of flattering in the way he politely flirted. Great smile. Played squash. But not someone I'd ever be interested in really, other than the good looks. I spoke to him a few times in class and after. Once he and I went to grab breakfast after and sat with one of his friends (a girl). We discussed math, the BVI, and the weather. I kid you not, that was about it.

The semester goes on and he shows up to the class less and less. I see him once and a while around campus and we say a passing "hey". One of the last days of finals rolls around and I'm walking toward the library when I see him running towards me. I say hey and wave. He comes directly at me (okay this is where I begin to wonder what's up...he looked like he was in a hurry to go somewhere...not talk to me...)He stops panting and then hugs me. UM WHAT!!!!!??? And this hug last too long. Too long even if he was a hall mate or a close friend. And mid hug I realize that there is something, well awkward? Something like a possible boner. Um, excuse me? At this point I really really hope that I'm wrong and it's just a book or something he's holding...

Finally, I manage to get out of the hug. He looks at me confused and asked if I don't like hugs. I manage to stumble out something like "I um am NOT a very huggy person". Which use to be true but is now more of a lie. We then stand there for maybe a minute or two and make polite conversation. I'm trying to get the hell away from him. I finally get moving to go, having ended the conversation. And guess what? HE LEANS BACK IN FOR A HUG! NO NO NO. And it was literally one of those things you didn't see coming and cannot avoid unless you plan on throwing the person to the ground. This second hug confirms my original thought. Yes, that is a boner. Oh, the awkwardness of it all. Of course I avoid him like the plague now...

Dream (May 31)

I was at an amusmant park, and there was a hockey rink over a baseball field, and a roller coaster above that. Then I was shopping for a birthday gift for the girl I nanny. I was looking at Barbie Dolls (definitely not something I'd regularly do). There were a bunch of the same dolls I had as a child. And there was a mother there who I spoke with about how I'd had that same doll. I remember saying "Wow, they still make these?" I then went out downtown, it reminded me of home but I'm not sure which city I was in. A young guy with strawberyy blonde hair approached me. I didn't know him but he basically hit on me and said he'd want my number but he was stripper. I was flattered and took an instant liking to him, but was confused because he looked like Awkward Boner Boy from school (story in a later post) and I was confused about the stripper part. Actually I'm still confused about it now that I'm awake...

Memorial Day Weekend

When you're watching three little boys who are one and a half, four, and five and a half for a long weekend make sure you:

a) know how to give a time out
b) can listen to hours of crying, whining, and yelling
c) always pack food if you leave the house
d) give each child the exact same amount as the other of ANYTHING
e) have them use the bathroom before you leave to go somewhere
f) start the process of bedtime a half hour to hour before
g) keep treats out of sight
h) don't get scratched dvds from the library
i) always have a sippy cup on hand
j) have Earl Grey tea, advil, and your anxiety medication
k) keep the annoying dog outside

Dreams (May 28)

So last night and this morning I had a very weird assortment of dreams. I kept waking up and then falling back asleep so I many different dreams instead of one long one. I don't really remember the order they were in...

I woke up at 1AM and wasn't sure if I'd slept through a whole day somehow. It bothered me, but not too much. I was more upset about not knowing if I'd wasted a day or not. I woke up and was well rested and started to work on things. Somehow it then went to me getting a book from David along with a letter. The letter began as a love letter but turned out not to be but just a heartfelt letter as a friend. At which I was flattered and relieved. The book had writing on it too, it was a gift, though not for a birthday or Christmas. The book was a book on or about C.S. Lewis' The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. There was a symmetrical castle/place on the front that was somewhat science fiction like.

I think I recieved the book and letter while at a high school, which I thought was one of the other town's schools because my friends from church were there. But then I found out it was the rival high school of my old high school. They told me that something like the SATs were going on. I was confused about what day it was, and asked to find out it was Saturday, not Friday. I confirmed my thought that I had slept through an entire day. Then a girl from high school, Kelly, walked by and put some books in a locker. I asked her what she was doing in high school when she was in college? She was taking a class at the high school or something like that.

Later I had another dream. In this one I was in a balloon basket but it was sort of a helicopter too. My best friend Becca was to my left. Somehow I was controlling the balloon by my movements. Sort of like a segway, I guess, though I've never been on one. I wanted to see the entire city, but couldn't get high enough without sort of worrying about being too high. Each time I'd start back down fast enough to make my stomach feel like I was on a rollercoaster.

I then had another where I was in a hall of some sort and went into an auditorium that was empty and in the process of being renovated or built. There was some discussion over whether or not Dumbledoor had Harry Potter commited to a mental institution. Yep that's right. Don't ask. I'm not even sure.

The Beginning & The End

We are each born into this world. We all have the same beginning. And we each leave this world in the same way. Our ends have different causes, but they always involve the stop of our heartbeats, the end of our breathing, and the end of our thoughts. It's funny to think that these two bits that we use to define our existence are essentially the same for all of us, yet the things that happen in between are substantially different.

Tuesday, May 25th

I'm thinking of retitling this post, something related to the Nanny Diaries seems entirely appropriate. Yes, as a summer job I am a nanny. I'm a nanny to one child: a six year old little girl who was adopted. Oh, and the family lives in one of the richest areas in our state. Stereotypical, right?

Yesterday while walking the dog, the little girl gets invited by the neighbor's daughter to play. So we go over for a few and she plays with the boys from across the way and the neighbor's daughter. The neighbor is a very nice woman, probably late or mid thirties, very down to earth. She wears nice moderately unmomlike T-shirts... but she wears capri pants that stop right at her ankle, so it almost looks like she outgrew her jeans. Not too bad, right? Wrong. She bends over to pick something up in the yard yesterday, and BAM! I get a full view of her black thong. Excuse me? Why are you wearing a thong? Or a thong with jeans? Or a thong at 38? Or a black thong? Or how about why aren't you wearing a belt!? Sorry, no judgement, just not what I expected...nor what I think should be seen. I hope that view is only seen around the house and not anywhere else.

Today. The car started shaking. That's right, literally shaking, like the old car rides at the amusement park. We're 10 minutes away from the house heading back from gymnastics which is an amazing and unnecessary 30 minutes away. The dog is also in the car. It happens to be about ninety degrees out. Her mother will be home in 45 minutes. I still haven't had her do her home work or practice music. I'll now skip the part about having a hot, hungry, tired, whiny child in the back seat as we follow the mechanic's car at a crawl down back roads to the shop and jump to the part where we get home and the dog pees on the carpet the minute we walk in. Oh, and how there was not a single paper towel in the house and the carpet cleaner couldn't be found. Awesome.

Boys

Boys. Need I say more?
A week after Adam broke up with me, a guy on my hall decided to ask me out. Oh, and he knew about Adam, because we had just been discussing my bad dreams that were preventing me from sleeping. Seriously? How low can you go? A week is not enough time to recover from a year and half relationship.

A month later a really awkward boy from karate asked me if I wanted to go out with him that weekend. Isn't it bad enough that I see him in a somewhat see through white gi three times a week and spar with him? And he hardly ever says a word out loud. Great. A potential serial killer...It reminds me of the time the 5th year senior in high school leaned up against my locker (in his trench coat, duck taped glasses, and greasy, unwashed hair) and said "Ummm...uhhhh...I really dig you...do I stand a chance?"

This Valentine's day I get an anonymous card. Okay, I can handle that, because I think it's possible that it's from this guy I like (who also lives on my hall...but is NOT the one mentioned above). So I ask him about it and right as he answers his roommate walks in and sprawls unto the table with his handheld gameboy. Awesome.

So we talked later and set up a date for that weekend. Saturday comes and he's hired a cab to take us out to eat. (Let me just say I am flattered now that he went this far.) But given the way things turn out in my life, the cab gets lost, overcharges him, and the restaurant loses his reservations. Pretty spectacular, eh? Oh it gets better...So the cab to get back comes and we get in. The guy drives around the building and then turn onto a one way street going the wrong way! Turns out the guy has only been a driver 2 day and speaks hardly any English. We finally get to the turn to get onto campus, and the guy drives by it...at which his phone GPS starts to screech "make a legal u-turn as soon as possible...make a legal u-turn as soon as possible". So he makes a u-turn.

I've begun to feel that boys and awkward, hilarious things seem to go together? Oh and I didn't even mention that one of my now best friends, had a very awkward crush on me in high school. Or that my first kiss was after being accidentally smacked in the face. Or that a boy in high school that liked me locked himself in the sound proof band practice room to glare at me when I got mad at him for blatantly interrupting me several times...

Motivation

Sometimes the overwhelming feeling of pointlessness floods in. I really hate this feeling. Because I know there is a point, and that I have plenty to do. I have a list of things that I want to do. A list of things that I should do. And a list of things that I have to do. But I find myself sitting in front of this laptop, checking my email to find nothing at all. Staring blankly at this page wanting something more than what is here. A room full of messy, not yet unpacked or put away things stares me in the face. All I really want to do is sleep, yet I feel guilty for wanting that. And no this doesn't even make sense to me. It just is what it is, and like always it will eventually go away.

A fault of mine:

not liking the way others see things.

Example: Disney World.

What I feel: Disney World isn't that great.

What others said to that:

you've never been with friends, you went as a nanny.

My thought:
I still value going out to a cabin by the lake and being away from the world and technology for a week more.

What others said:
That's nice.
I like both of those things.
They're different.
I've been camping too.

My thought:
No, I like that better than Disney World by a landslide. I like nature more than contrived human things that waste your money and stress you out.

Others:
What about traveling? You have to plan that and it can be stressful, but it's fun.

Me:
Well yes that's nice, but I still rather be reading a book on a dock without plans for a week enjoying nature. Kayaking, walking, reading, writing, thinking, free from phones, tv, computers...that's a vacation; traveling is traveling.

Others:
You've just never been to Disney World at the right time with the right people.

Me (in my head):
You're all so superficial and materialistic...

Me (later):
I'm not better than them. I just want them to see things my way and value them too. But they don't. Who says I'm right other than me and like minded people? What gives me the right to view their opinion as less worthy?


Being keenly aware of my faults is humbling, but sometimes not quite because I view this as something that a lot of others don't do but should. Which brings me back to the whole issue. Don't you just love the endless cycles you get yourself into?

People

Sometimes I really really hate people. I hate the social situations, interactions, opinions, moods, emotions, you name it. Sometimes it drives me so unbelievably crazy. Sometimes it makes me so unbelievably mad. At the moment the boy on my hall who I had an issue with earlier is being a jerk. He ended up opting out of the University Counseling Sessions once he found out I had agreed to go.

He bitched at me today for talking to myself while I packed things in the hall for storage over the summer, saying that during reading peroid there were quite hours. He proceeded (within the hour) to play music on his computer in the lounge while the rest of us sat there working on our computers.

He loves to claim he's been through a lot of things in his life and that he's had a tough life. He uses this an excuse to judge others. I don't doubt he might have had a tough life. I think we all do, what's tough for one person might be modest in comparison to another. But we only experience what life throws at us, not what it throws at someone else.

It bothered me to no end when I finally confronted him about what this "tough" part of his life was. His answer: that he'd been raised in an urban area where he was the minority, a white male, to a school full of white preps, and then back to a high school where he was once again in the minority. I don't doubt that this was difficult. But f-off dude, just becuase you think you've been through hell doesn't mean that you have the right to tell people that they haven't been through anything. Example: he voiced his opinion about a girl on our hall that is dealing with serious mood/depression issues. He basically said that she needs to grow up and deal. He doesn't even know that she is actually not well. He doesn't know what she struggles with, he doesn't know her past.

Does he know one of our friends put a double barrel shot gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger? The barrel that wasn't loaded was the one that went off. Does he know that?

Does he know another friend was sick for most of her childhood? That another spent more days sick than in school in high school? Does he know that a friend of ours was sexually abused? Does he know another was mugged and slashed with a knife when he tried to fight back and just stopped taking his anti-depressants? Does he know that one girl is extremely self conscious about her appearance because she was teased? Does he know one girl had tumors removed when she was a child? Does he know one guy went through an open heart surgery? Does he know that one girl had a best friend who stabbed his step father? Does he know that one girl has only met her father two times?

You know what, dude? I'm sorry you're blind and ignorant to the world around you. You're right though about one thing: we do all need to grow up, you just need to take your own advice as well because you're miles behind a lot of others. And I am still sorry for losing my temper at you. Don't tell me when I am or am not sorry, you do not know me.

Regression

Currently I am back-tracking, towards childhood...if you could call it back-tracking at all. I've spent so much of my life being serious, worrying, and filled with anxiety. And I find I've been anything but lately. I feel hypocritical, guilty, and ashamed.

It's probably a wide variety of recent events and of course I am limited by my own perspective. It could be the anti-depressants I take for anxiety and depression. Or the lack of burden that relationships can cause. It could be the approaching finals. Or perhaps that after a year of hard work and tremendous ups and downs, I've decided to let go. Perhaps I just don't care anymore. This last thought scares me because I want to be respectable, responsible, mature, intelligent, appropriate, and personable.

I don't know what it is and I don't know why. My only guess is that so far in life I've managed to move from one end of a see-saw to another. I sit in one spot until someone puts just enough wieght on the other for me to realize it's not as stable as I thought. I feel like I'm going back and forth like this in all aspects of my life, trying to find that balance.

I have to say I feel guilty for getting mad with Adam's instances of what I labeled immaturity. I realize now what I could not see when I was in the midst of depression and anxiety and stress. I realize that was his way of balancing out the work and stress in his life. How he needed that so badly. It is easy to cross the line from goofing off to immature when you're in such a state. The past few days have taught me that.

Dream (April 21)

I decided I should try to keep track of the dreams I've been having lately, since they've been really interesting and rather complex.

Last night my dream jumped around a lot. At the beginning of the dream I was setting up a scavenger hunt for incoming freshman and so was my friend Bennett. I was making a tie out of construction paper as one of the clues for the hunt. For some reason I was making the tie by layering different colors of paper (red and blue I think). I was in the process putting it upstairs in a crowded, messy, old, dark house when I realized that Bennett had beat me. Then my dream jumped to the cafeteria here on campus, where I was waiting for some sort of food, I want to say it was something yellow, like mac and cheese, or lemons?

My dream then jumped again. I was walking out of the man-made clearing towards a two-story, yellow house with white shutters. The clearing was there because we were cutting down some trees. I had gone out to check on the progress. I can't quite remember but I feel like there was someone else there in the dream, the person I was checking on, my husband I'm assuming? I wasn't that much older than I am now though. I was wearing warm clothes, jeans and a long sleeve wool sweater? It was a grey day.

Then the dream cut to me giving birth in the house. I was surprised and joyful. The mother of a boy I went to school with was my mid-wife like helper. I gave birth in a bed with white sheets. There was some discussion of how the sheets were folded so that they could be removed after. I gave birth to a baby girl. There was a lot of fluid. I saw this from the third person, sort of from the perspective of the mid-wife. The baby had a name, but I don't remember it, and she was wrapped up in a white sheet and placed in a small plastic storage container (like the rectangular ones people put shoes in). I was very happy about the baby, but I remember being surprised and surprised at how little anticipation, nervousness, and confusion there had been. I picked the baby up out of the box and went to show a person who was like a father figure. I was so happy and proud of the little girl.

Happiness

I read somewhere that happiness could be expressed in an equation relating reality and expectations. Actually I believe it was in Jodi Picoult's Nineteen Minutes that I read this. If you think about it, the concept makes sense: you're disappointed when things don't go as well as planned and you're happy when things go better than planned. I was reminded of the idea the other day, and I realized it isn't true.

I was walking to catch a bus and sipping some earl grey tea the other day when I realized that happiness does not have to be dependent on expectations and reality. I was not having a great day. I felt like my whole day was being taken up by things I did not want to do, but had to do. But as I sipped my earl grey I realized that I was happy despite it. Perhaps it was the earl grey? It usually makes me happy.

I wish that feeling would last: happiness that doesn't have some particular reason. It always disappears when I need it. The fluttery feeling of ecstacy suddenly plunges to some unknown depth, leaving nothing but this heavy, not empty, but solid, heavy, metal weight inside my soul. The kind of weight that makes you look down as everyone passes around you. It's the same wieght that sometimes makes me look up into their eyes, looking for something.

Saturday, April17th

I caught the bus this afternoon to go out to the mall area and return something at an art store. I get off at the grocery store, walk behind the plaza, hop over a guard rail into a movie theater parking lot, and walk through the parking lot. As I'm walking I notice a goose about twelve feet in front of me. It's sitting under a pink blossomed tree. So I pull out my digital camera and snap a quick shot. As I'm sliding the camera back into my bag, the goose stands up. I start walking around the area where it is, assuming it thinks I'm a threat since it stood up. Suddenly the goose comes charging at me, snapping its beak, ready to bite me. I ran away while jerking my bag in it's direction and stopping suddenly and jerking towards it to fake it out. After 20 feet of this, the goose finally backed down. I'm quite sure there was a car or two that passed by slowly watching and wondering...

Finally I got off at my stop, and as I'm walking towards the dorm, an SUV drives by and then hops the curb across the way to get into one of our school's gated lots.

Odd Encounters

My friend took a bus to Massachusetts to visit his girlfriend. He got off the bus, got his bags, and went downstairs to the subway platform. The platform was empty, but a train full of people was waiting, just about to leave. He ran over and got on to the train. As he entered the train, the woman across from him looked him in the eye and said, "You're not suppose to be on this train," and walked off the train unto the platform. The doors to the T shut and it pulled away from the platform where she stood waiting for another train. My friend, at this point, is freaking out a little and at the same time trying to convince himself that the woman was just a crazy.

Just before coming into the next station, the train suddenly stops in the middle of the tacks and the conductor comes on saying that there's a issue with the train and that they'll have to get on the next one. My friend at this point is freaking out. So he gets off and takes the next one. He's late for his next bus out to Western Massachusetts, but the bus is also late leaving so he catches it just in time. Nothing else out of the ordinary happened. Which leaves him wondering what the woman meant and why she said it?

Paper Cuts

The hurt seeps into the cracks that
mark my heart and soul.
The cracks, so paper thin, yet so crater deep.
The hurt seeps in, burning
like alcohol in a paper cut that never ends.
This pain feels as if it could be washed away
but it doesn't wash off.
Love has cracked my heart and soul
and yet love has also healed it.

Go To Hell

What do think of when you think of hell? Fire? The devil? A big party? Do you even think that such a place exists?

Hell is one of those things that we don't want to think about. I think it's because we think of hell as a place we'll end up if we do too many bad things, if we swear too often, or if we make serious mistakes. And really, who would want to dwell on the thought of eternal punishment? (But then again how many in my generation really want to contemplate anything involving an afterlife or God? They often brush off the idea of hell as one big party). Hell, I feel, is a natural subject to avoid.

Hell is not a place of fire that God sends you to. Hell is simply the absence of God's love. That's why in Dante's hell Satan was placed upside down encased in ice, far away from the warmth of God's love. Satan wasn't put there by God, he chose to go there, the place furthest away from God's love.

So why then is hell considered the place for everyone that's screwed up even in the slightest way? Where does this thought come from? Was it the midevial church? Was it just human nature to assume that some punishment must exist from a higher power? Was it the idea of the wrathful God of the Old Testament that sparked this? Or the translation about the burning garbage dumps outside of Jersulem in the New testament? Or perhaps a combination of all of them laid the base for this modern definition of hell? But the better question is why do we still believe this?

The usual consensus by a lot of "stricter" Christians I've come across is that without Jesus in this lifetime you're condemned to hell. I'm sorry but this, to me, is absolute bull. I understand the need to evangelize and I respect it, even though it's often done in a way I don't agree with. But honestly, would an all-loving God create a place for you to suffer? Would he put you there for something you've done but are sorry for?

The Answer: A resounding, logical no. Because:

1) God does NOT send people to hell. And God did not "create" hell. I'll repeat myself again: hell is the absence of God. That's right, God gave us this thing, I'm sure you've heard of it before, it's called free will. We, as his creation, have the freedom to choose. If we decided to turn from God (not a religion, but God), than we will be without Him. Hell is a choice we make.

2) God is a God of second chances and forgiveness. From what I've learned and come to believe, God knows a sincere heart when he sees one. That's right, if we are truely sorry and truly want live with God, in his light, God can forgive us. (I'm not Him so I can't say for a fact that He will, I can only say what I feel and know to be true).

3)We will be sorry, repent, and wish to be forgiven on the final judgement day. I believe that when God reveals Himself, even those on Earth that turned away from Him, or were never introduced to Him will want to be with Him. By seeing Him, the Truth will be revealed and our eyes will be opened. We will be able to see. And I find it hard to believe that many will turn away once they see.

And those who see God, but still do not want to be with Him, will live without Him. They will exist in the absence of God and His love, hell. For God gave us the choice and will not force us to live in His love with Him if we do not want to.

Dear Stranger, I Love You.

My father gives usually boring, rambling, and repetitive lectures. But one stands out in my mind amongst almost all the others. It was something he had told me once about love.

He said he loved my mother, God, his brother, my sister, his business partner, me, and that random stranger on the street equally. He loved us all the same. There was no difference he said, no different magnitude. Love is unconditional and unmeasurable.

I was baffled by this. I simply could not understand it. As we all experience at some point in our lives, I simply thought that my father was simply wrong. It was simply his way of viewing the world, just another of his crazy philosophies and ideas. But I learned over time that he was right.

You cannot measure love, nor should you try. You shouldn't try to give love in different quantities. Love simply does not work that way, it's properties do not allow it to. Love was meant for everyone in this life, including enemies. To me, God is Love. We share God when we love. God does not hold back. God does not love you more than I, or more than that man on the street corner.

Kate once asked me if I believed I could love someone that I'd never met before, someone that I'd never see again, someone that I only locked eyes with once. My answer was yes, you can love them. You might know them better than anyone else with just that one soul piercing look. It reveals so much. There isn't any way to describe it. It simply is. You see them. You see their life. And you love that life.