The other night was an interesting night. Or should I say, the other morning was interesting. The clocks "sprung" forward at midnight. I had a flight out at 8AM. At quarter to three I checked the time on my cell phone to find a text message from someone not on my contact list. It was Adam, my ex. I'm way to good at remembering numbers. All it asked was if I was awake. My mind immediately spun into confusion, my eyes flooded with tears. What was this? Why after two months was he suddenly texting me? So I responded back, that I was awake and asked why he was texting me.
He proceeded to leave a series of texts that made no sense at all. The first one was: "because I'm going insane. do not listen to anything I say. I am not in control. I don't know what I'm doing." Followed by: "I'm sorry I can't say what I am even now when I:killed everything is this happening?" If he drank at all I'd say that he was drunk. But he doesn't. I was literally shaking and in tears. One of the messages was: "why did I do to us?" It was so painful to read. I had no idea why he was texting me, if he was sorry, if he wanted me back, if he was suicidal, if he was going crazy, or if he just needed someone to listen. He sent me a text saying that he'd scratched himself and that there's some blood. I decided that the best thing I can do is talk to him and make sure he's okay. So I dialed.
After several rings he picked up. "Hello, I think I'm dreaming..." I talked to him for a minute asking if he was at home or at school, and if he was physically okay; how much blood was there? He answered and then a moment later, "is this Noelle, I think I'm dreaming...?" We talked for probably about an hour. Correction, I say "talked", it was more like me trying to gauge how out of it he was and him rambling about depression, self anger, hopelessness, and loneliness. I'd seen him down before, and in a similar mood. But this was beyond what I had heard from him before. He always denied problems with himself. He always said he just needed to work harder, be less selfish, pray more, and pull through. I agreed but also thought this was stupid. If you need help, you need help. No amount of "pulling through" can happen in some situations.
I'd say he's in one of those situations. He definitely has moderate depression. I'm no psychologist, but I was told I was depressed and had anxiety just this past Christmas. The low dose medication I'm on has literally made one of the largest differences in my life. He was the one that encouraged me to get help. But he is by far worse off than I. He's not losing weight, but he's eating less he told me. He's scratching himself till he bleeds. He is an architecture student, and not a great student, but a hard worker. He doesn't get a wink of sleep. I'd say he pulls two almost (if not complete) all nighters a week. When he has the opportunity to sleep, he usually can't. So he's sleep deprived and depressed.
After I hung up with him I called his folks. Yes, at four in the morning. They often wake up around 5. I was seriously concerned. I spoke with his father, who didn't seem as concerned as I thought or felt one should be. But he was serious and logical, calm and collected, which probably the best. Hopefully he'll be able to convince him to get help.
I thought I'd leave the conversation and the whole ordeal confused about my feelings for him. And I did, but only a very little. I still love him. But more like a close friend or brother. He'd need to pull a hell of a lot together in order for me to consider him romantically again. It just isn't possible, both logically and emotionally, to be with someone in such a state. And he was sliding into it while we were dating. I just don't want him to be in such a bad place, I want to help him out. It's so relieving to know how I feel though. Not having contact sort of distorts things.
