Dreams (June)

I've noticed lately that I've been having a lot of dreams about traveling. Which isn't much of a surprise since I leave the country in less than two weeks and won't be back until early January. I've had dreams where I miss my train or plane, where my family is busy chattering away while I panic. The latest dream: I had a flight from Geneva, Switzerland to Sydney, Australia. But the two cities had gone to war and I was very nervous about flying. Potentially the most unlikely two countries to ever go to war, and completely unrelated to my actual travel plans. Strange.

Secondly, in a lot of my dreams lately I have trouble walking. Yup, my legs literally collapse under me after a few moments. It's not until they do that I remember how much effort it took to walk - almost like a feeling of walking underwater. They also don't just collapse, but usually I end up on my knees, as if my legs have just been chopped off (when even the dream they are just behind me like a normal person walking on their knees. A lot of times I'm carrying a backpack too, traveling still. I suppose this is all from my new show inserts I got last week. Since I hadn't taken care of my old ones, my IT band on my knee was giving me hell. Turns out I have to break in the new ones (wearing shoes I don't usually wear with the inserts for x amount of hours a day) and thus cannot run/heavily work out for two weeks. And I really really would like to be working out right now.

In the Middle Somewhere

I'd love to call this experience growth or a search, perhaps philosophizing? And yes, it is all that, but let's be honest, when it boils down to it, I'm just drifting; drifting about in this world just as uncertain as the next guy. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I have no idea if this is where I'm suppose to be, if it's the best place for me to be, or if it's the correct path. There I said it. It's the truth.

I've been a child, taught to respond to questions, people, and the world the way I was taught and the way I saw others do. I was a teen, questioning everything, rebelling, thinking, and knowingly lost. And here I am, somehow a combination of both of these as well as, hell, an adult (not a term I think I'll ever think applies to me). I've gone from being raised to believe in God, to hating him, to thinking nothing's out there, to believing in Him, to trying to (and essentially therefore) being of a very conservative religious mind set, --- to here and now.

So what the hell is here and now? Because I sure don't think what I'm told to, I sure don't hate God, I definitely think He's there, and I frown upon my old rigid mind set (what a first love can do to you). I'm here, in the middle somewhere. The middle of religion, spirituality, life, thoughts, and plans. And I like it. Because it's my path.

Missing Cervix?

Gynecologist: "Okay, let's see how things are. You'll just feel a bit of pressure"

Me: (wow this whole thing is really weird and awkward)

Gynecologist: "Okay...well things seem good...but, uh....um...I can't seem to locate your cervix?"

Me: "Um, well I hope it's there, it should be there..."

Gynecologist: "Yea, I'm just having some trouble...it's rather deep? (awkward)...hold on one second...(pulls out metal object that looks like it belongs in a tool box not on her tray)... you'll feel a little more pressure, sorry..."

Me: (oh shit)

Gynecologist: (literally searching) "hmmmmm....well this is funny...hmmm...AHA! There it is!" (smiles)

Dream (June 4)

Another dream about getting married, why? This time there was a serious disconnect between me and the in laws. We'd picked out an ugly frilly blue jean and floral patterned sack of a dress for me to wear. My friend Kate was the only one with me in my room right before the wedding. She told me to screw the ugly dress and I pulled out two frilly white lacy things. I pulled on a pair of jeans underneath, but then thought how inappropriate it would be to wear jeans to my own wedding. The outfit was too tight? I don't remember what I finally decided on but I was rushed by Kate who reminded me that the shadows would come out once the sun set. I pulled out a little point and shoot camera and told Kate she had to take photos at my wedding. She told me she was horrid at using my camera, but would take photos. I was late for my own wedding. I could see the wedding party across the way impatient but happy at the church and for some reason the convenience store - where I was suppose to get a pregnancy test!?!? In my mind I told myself: it's my wedding, the bride is always late! My groom was unknown? But at the same time there was no worry on my mind about him. There were "Shadows" that went after people after the sun set, so I had to hurry up. The dream skipped to post wedding and then there was a creepy thing cloaked in a black tight fitting cloth that was in the house we went to after the ceremony. We were stuck there until the next morning.

Then suddenly my husband and I and our son (his or mine from prior) were all behind this building, in a little inlet of ocean water with other people. Houses were surrounding it, except were it joined a river and went into the woods. It was all spelled like the houses to keep the shadows away. It was night. My husband was older than I by a bit, which was strange. (Reminds me of a girl I know from a church group who just got married. She's around my age and just married a man twice her age who has an 11 year old daughter!?!?! ) Our son, that's what he was in my mind even though only one of us biologically was related, was about 4 or 5 and adorable. He played the water and my husband and I discussed living there because of how nice and protected it was. Then I woke up.

The Truth Behind Religious Guilt?

Heaven’s Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score. You feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come as expected. The problem is that while you are always doing the ‘right thing,’ if your heart really isn’t in it, you are physically and emotionally depleting yourself.

Thoughts & Feelings by McKay, Davis, & Fanning. New Harbinger, 1981.